-
27
Sep
If you know only one thing about traditional wedding vows, it’s that they asked the woman to promise obedience. In fact, so much attention is paid to those words – and whether they are included or removed – that the rest of the sentence easily gets overlooked. This is the full vow the man makes:
I N. take thee N. to my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
What is the duty of a husband to his wife?
- The ‘taking’ – by which the man promises to make the woman his wife (to take, to have, to hold)
- The ‘conditions’ – the things he agrees to endure with her (the passing of time, changes for better or worse, gain or loss of financial means, improvement or loss of health)
- The ‘manner’ – in what way he shall treat her as his wife (to love her, and to cherish her)
- The vow or oath – the troth (by which is promised constancy), until death part them, according to God’s ordinance
This discussion will focus upon the third of these, the ‘manner’ in which the man promises to be a husband to his wife – his promise to love her, and to cherish her. By these terms we describe the day-to-day basis of marriage, the very essence of the duty of a husband to his wife. To love, and to cherish.
When we come to understanding what this actually involves, we have a great help, because both of these terms come directly from the Bible. The first step then is to look at the Bible, and see how it explains this duty of a man to his wife.
The passage of scripture which gives rise to both is from the letter of St. Paul to the Ephesians; chapter 5, verses 25 to 33. I’ve included it below for ease of reference:
25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body.
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Love your wife
Regarding the command to a husband to love his wife, there are two specific comparisons used. First, the love of husband to wife should be “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”; and second, the love of husband to wife should be as he loves “himself”. The first of these is certainly the bigger challenge – for it throws out all concept of an equal partnership, a domestic arrangement, or give-and-take. It demands of the husband no less than the sacrifice of his life, giving himself up entirely for his wife. There are no loopholes: this is what God expects of a husband – to love his wife so much that he gives himself up for her – even as Christ gave up his life on the cross for the church. There is then no equal partnership, for the husband is not only commanded, but has promised, the very deepest self-sacrificial love for his wife – at all times, in all conditions, until death do them part.
Although the meaning of love like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her is easy to apprehend, it is perhaps not easy to understand why Christ is the basis for the husband’s love in marriage – indeed, as Paul writes in verse 32, the link between man and wife and Christ and church is a profound mystery. Easier to understand, perhaps, is the second comparison: that a husband is to love his wife as he loves himself. This is based upon the union of two into one, that being joined by God, by no means is a husband justified in loving his wife less than he loves himself.
Cherish your wife
The argument that the two become one flesh being a reason a husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself also introduces the term ‘cherish’. It pops up in verse 29, as a description of what a man does to his own body. He nourishes and cherishes his own body (again, this is compared to the way Christ nourishes and cherishes the church). So, by the vow to cherish his wife – and by the requirement of God, a husband is bound to nurture, show kindness, and deep affection to his wife – even as he does to himself.
Particularly chastised by this are husbands who would chase after their own interests, neglecting their wives. This requirement to cherish means that it is never right for a man to decide his hobbies comes first, or his friends come first, or his work comes first, or anything else come before his duty to his wife.
In Conclusion
God places upon husbands a very great obligation, and one which contradicts a lot of modern thinking. The modern wisdom that makes husband and wife interchangeable roles misses the very great duty God places upon a husband.
Notice, God does not make the love or cherishing of a husband to his wife conditional upon the action of the wife, the attitude of the wife, the means of the couple, the happiness of the marriage, the health of either, or any other factor. God requires a husband to love his wife entirely, cherishing her as he does himself, at all times and in all seasons.
When it comes down to it, a husband’s love for his wife need not be driven by emotional affection. Nor need it be driven by attraction. The love a husband is to have for his wife is required of him by God himself, uncompromisingly. Although we dearly hope that all marriages are based upon mutual affection, yet, it is important to realise that God does not base married life on continued affection but on obedience to his law. If the husband’s love is required of him by God, then he has no excuse to reduce or cease his love, if unhappily he no longer feels as happy, attracted or comfortable with his wife.
Finally, there has been a tendency for society to talk of sexual fidelity, the avoiding of adultery, between partners as the key component of marriage. It certainly is a key component of marriage, and one required by God himself; yet, as we have seen, it is by no means the only thing required by God. God does not just require a husband to avoid adultery – another key component is his demands that the husband love his wife, always, unconditionally, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
4 com
May God's peace be ever with you