christianaudio were kind enough to offer me the chance to review the pre-release version of Mark Driscoll’s latest book, ‘Real Marriage’, co-authored with his wife Grace. It’s a substantial book, weighing in at around 200 pages, or 8.9 hours in audio format (audio narrated excellently by William Dufris and Tavia Gilbert).

This review is suitable only for adults.

The subject matter is arranged into three sections; one which focuses upon concepts of marriage, one that focuses specifically on sex, and one which looks at planning life and lives as a whole. Particularly central in the earlier discussion is the theme of friendship as an interpretive key to a good marriage- this is particularly useful and a very helpful insight into marriage; I hope to hear more on this topic as it is a great way to look at the many underlying dynamics of a marriage. The way in which this introduces fresh Scripture to our understanding of marriage is particularly encouraging.

Later portions of the text focus upon pornography and abuse, both important topics. The treatment here leans heavily upon psychological and sociological concepts, but is (so far as I can tell) well researched and seems helpful. The Biblical response offered is, in general, based upon ‘confessing and talking things through’. Whilst there are useful examples and illustrations, Biblical work here is light, and I was left confused as to the Scriptural foundations behind what Pastor Driscoll teaches.

The final section seems to drop the Bible almost entirely as the teaching text, and presents the authors’ own method for ‘reverse engineering’ a life. (In mitigation, I should mention that the text does explain that this method was revealed specifically by God to Pastor Driscoll via a message God gave a friend of his.) I have not tried the method recommended so I cannot speak to its merit, although it seems (in general) like a fair mix of common sense, thoughtful advice, and the concept that some planning is better than no planning.

In terms of genre, my impression is that this book tries to be a Biblical commentary, a sociological text, and a how-to marriage book – all in one. This means that as you read it, there will be sections which are derived from Scripture, sections which lean quite heavily on contemporary sociological theory and research, and sections which are the Driscolls telling you things they think might be a good idea. In places, you will even find all three intertwined.

Personally, and it may be just a reflection of Pastor Driscoll’s specific church context, to me the book seems very unbalanced. To put it crudely, if a married couple spend half an hour every single day enjoying carnal relations – that’s 2% of their married lives… yet, this book gives the impression that marriage is all about sex. Sex comes up just about everywhere, and even gets the major section of the book devoted to it. In fact, if I were to guess what Pastor Driscoll thinks marriage is mostly about (based on this book alone), I’d have to say that it seems he believes that marriage is about sex… and that the more this features in a marriage, the better the marriage is. Somehow, sex seems to be offered as both the underlying problem (lack thereof) and solution (more thereof) to too many of the problems discussed in this book.

In fact, it goes further. This book does not just discuss sex. The authors saw fit to go through a list of specific sex or sex-like acts they think married couples might possibly want to engage in. In turn, they discuss whether other people are doing these things, and whether they fit into a specific Biblically-derived grid. If the Scripture (according to Pastor Driscoll) technically allows something – then he gives it the green light, with cautions as he thinks required.

What did I think of that section? I’ve had difficulty working out how to put the statement best, so I’ll try analogy. Imagine you sat down to watch a DVD entitled ‘Moses’, as recommended by a respected pastor – only to turn it on and find it to actually be pornography. That response of shock, betrayal, and disgust approximately matches mine in sitting down with great hopes of learning about Real Marriage from a highly respected pastor only to find it to contain such open and explicit sexual crudity that it I sincerely doubt it could be legally read aloud on television. St. Paul writes to the Ephesians saying “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29). I suggest that the right place for this kind of discussion is on occasions where those who hear will be built up by the discussion, and given grace – such as in a private pastoral counselling session or in pastoral counselling resources: not in a mainstream publication for all married couples without distinction.

Theologically, I do not think that Pastor Driscoll does a good job answering the questions either. Without being willing to discuss the details of such crude topics, I will say only that he neither engages properly with Scripture nor applies a theology of natural law to his answers. A simple interpretive grid is a useful tool, but it cannot ever replace proper Biblical theology that takes into account all of Scripture; and it is this latter work that Mark Driscoll, as a pastor of Christ’s flock, should be doing.

As to the rest of the book, although there is a major focus on ‘one-ness’ (particularly through sexual activities), we hear very little about the true foundation of marriage: the reality of man and wife being actually and entirely united by God as one flesh. This being the case, I felt disappointed that the whole shape of the book was one in which couples work to transform ‘where they are’ into a ‘real marriage’, rather than couples already joined by God in ‘real marriage’ working to live out the spousal vocation into which God has called them to His Glory. Stylistically, the lives of the authors are used as examples and illustrations throughout the work, which has the advantage of giving the text some specifics, but the disadvantage of making it seem to be all about Mark and Grace Driscoll rather than all about marriage.

For many of the reasons above, and despite substantial sections of useful and edifying content, I can’t recommend this book to anyone.